flywthtwngs replied to your post: I used to think that it wouldn’t be fair to my family and friends if I just suddenly killed myself.
You have more to hold on to
Mmm, I know, but when the urge kicks in it’s difficult to remember that. But thank you! :)
But now, it is more like,
“Friends? What friends?”
Just holding on for my family now.
hyrulebound,
Thank you so much! I’m really grateful that you are there for me. I’m here for you too.
sarasarafina,
Yup, I do try to talk to someone if I can, but at the moment there isn’t anyone I can talk to about my depression. I’ll keep your advice in mind though. Thank you!
goodmendontneedrules,
I didn’t jump after reading your reply; thank you very, very much. Yes, I’m glad I decided to cut first. *hugs back*
This black cloud of depression seems to be lifting a little, I’m glad.
I’m sorry if I scared anyone with the previous post. But really, thank you all for the kind words and advice, it really means a lot to me, and I felt better after reading.
I have people that make me happy and people that I can talk to, but I don’t tell them about this part of me. I don’t really have a clear idea why. Basically I think I don’t want them to freak out and worry (family and close friends) or I don’t know them well enough to talk about something so deep (other friends). I have some friends who don’t bother to understand people with mental disorders and label them as attention-seeking and saying the good old “They should just snap out of it” so no, I really don’t want to talk to them. So in my crazed fog of sadness I turned to Tumblr, where I’m pretty much anonymous. I really didn’t expect anyone to have anything to say back to me, so I am really grateful for you guys.
Thank you for being there for me, and no matter how depressed I may get, I am still here for you too.
I try my best to keep this blog free of my personal problems, but the past week has been really too much for me and I have no one else to talk to. So, what better way to cope than to put my problems on the internet?
The past few days have been even worse and I’ve just gotten more and more depressed. For no apparent reason too, which to me is the scariest type. Depression is a tragic thing either way, but when there is a main trigger it feels ‘valid’. If not, you feel like you’ve gone mad. Which I feel I have.
I’ve been feeling more and more disgusted with myself too. Every time I put something in my mouth I feel disappointed with myself. “All you can do is eat,” say the voices. “All you do is sit there all day. You can’t accomplish anything. What a loser.” Which isn’t true because I have done proper things, but you know, when the voices speak they sound so right.
I started cutting again. It’s been so long since I’ve cut, but the other option was jump, so.
I really want to jump, though.
From now onwards, I won’t be stating the names/URLs of the submitters of quotes or stories, even if you don’t submit them to me anonymously. If you do want your name there, then let me know, and I’ll put it up.
It is often more difficult for people like us to experience the hope that healthy people have on New Year’s Eve. For most of them, New Year’s Eve is “that magical time” where things are put right, old habits are gotten rid of, and there is genuine hope to start anew.
For us (or at least me), it is harder to embrace the magic. Just because it is the new year, doesn’t mean everything is alright. Depression doesn’t give us a break just because it is the holidays. Depression doesn’t say, “Oh, the year is up. I’ll leave you alone now.”
The new year isn’t a magical place where all things are rosy again. The new year need not be a scary place, either.
But the new year can mean a renewed fight against our demons; a refreshed effort to keep the dire thoughts at bay; a continued struggle to keep the blade away.
Less cutting, less paranoia, less sadness; more courage, more fighting spirit, more hope.
Happy New Year, everyone. Welcome to Midnight.
